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Men, Women and Text

Follow sex therapists as they chat about how improved brain function can benefit your sex life.

Avatar for Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Hello! I'm excited to chat with Heidi tomorrow about our sex therapy practices and my new podcast called "Sex Savvy."
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Heidi Crockett
Hi
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Heidi Crockett
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Heidi Crockett
I'm excited to be chatting with you, too, Kimberly! In addition to being a sex therapist, I specialize in relational neuroscience, #IPNB. I wrote "The Neuroscience of Dating," and love Dr. Nagoski's (nerdy brain-related) metaphors of the nervous system's sexual accelerator and brakes and also her concept of one's sexuality as a "garden" capable of "neuroplasticity," (where we can weed bad contexts out of our garden and grow new desire plants, etc.)😊 Talk tomorrow!
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Congrats! I love discussing neurobiology, too. I think we will have an interesting and informative conversation tomorrow.
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Heidi Crockett
I listened to your most recent Sex Savvy podcast episode, the vasalgel male birth control sounds super interesting! Do you think men will go for it?

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Hey Heidi, are you ready to talk about sex?
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Heidi Crockett
Yeah let's chat!
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I think men will definitely want to try the vasalgel because it is reversible and they can be sure they will not get someone pregnant
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Tell me how you incorporate concepts from your book into clinical practice.
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Heidi Crockett
Yeah it takes a bit of unwrapping to first explain neuroscience concepts (like a deregulated nervous system) then transfer that knowledge into sex. So I start with a symptom that a person is having and explain concepts starting with that symptom
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Tell me more 😊

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Heidi Crockett
(Dysregulated nervous system)

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Do you do much work around attachment styles?

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Heidi Crockett
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Heidi Crockett
Let's say someone has too much arousal or too little arousal, the aim is to be in the "optimal arousal zone"
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Heidi Crockett
Yes--attachment is extremely important because someone becomes more easily dysregulated when they are insecurely attached
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I use the concept of an Arousal Continuum to treat men with rapid (formerly known as premature) ejaculation
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Heidi Crockett
I believe the quality of the therapeutic alliance between the therapist and client is the greatest predictor of success in therapy...and this relates directly to the importance of attachment.

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I focus a lot on attachment styles, too. People's attachment styles tend to manifest sexually in the same way that they manifest interpersonally.

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Heidi Crockett
Oh say more!

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
The way individuals give and receive pleasure often correlates to the way they are able to given seed outside of the bedroom. For example someone with an anxious attachment maybe so focused on pleasing their partner that they sacrifice their own sexual pleasure in the name of securing the relationship

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
*give and receive

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Someone with a disorganized attachment style maybe on guard because they're never sure what they are going to get and this makes it difficult for them to relax and luxuriate in the sexual experience

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Heidi Crockett
I think Lori Brotto's research on mindfulness and sex helps these insecure attachment styles

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Definitely!
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I encourage my patients to focus on all of their senses as a way to ground themselves and be present in the moment

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Heidi Crockett
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Heidi Crockett
I'm an AASECT educator in addition to a sex therapist, so tried to grab some slides for those viewing

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Heidi Crockett
I totally agree--being in the body is EXTREMELY important
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I also spend a lot of time focusing on shame and other negative emotions that have shaped one's views about sex

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Heidi Crockett
The attuned communication (feeling of a secure attachment) calms down the limbic brain

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Everyone has their own unique sexual story. Part of my work with patients is for them two understand their sexual story and make peace with it

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Heidi Crockett
When clients have those strong emotions like shame or overly worrying about pleasing the other, it gets IN the way of real relaxation and pleasure. Yes in #IPNB we call that "narrative integration"

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I love that!

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Heidi Crockett
Changing old stories from the past is like "weeding the garden" which represents our sexuality

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Heidi Crockett
It's called memory deconsolidation reconsolidation where we literally reprogram our brain
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Heidi Crockett
Let's talk about bad contexts that affect arousability? Here are some examples
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Great analogy. I encourage patients to create new narratives as well. I give them permission to own their sexuality and be curious about their arousal templates and erotic scripts

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Heidi Crockett
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Heidi Crockett
You've probably heard all these in your practice...you also mentioned women ruminating about smell being very common in your podcast

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
In episode 1 of my podcast, I give clinical examples of how the legacy of early negative experiences shape one's sexual health and satisfaction

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Yes, injectors about odor, weight, physical appearance, ability to be sexually responsive, all of these things can get in the way

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Heidi Crockett
Your podcast is great, I encourage listeners to check it out. I don't want to only focus on the bad though, when we are able to change the scripts then we find new pleasure. Here's what Nagoski said the research shows brings greatest likelihood of orgasms for women:
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Heidi Crockett
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Heidi Crockett
This slide kind of follows our conversation because women need attachment but they need #3 too!

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
There was also an interesting article published in the journal of sexual medicine about how EQ correlates to orgasmic capacity in women
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Heidi Crockett
I believe that because the higher brain functions (9 functions of prefrontal cortex) require one to be able to self-regulate and calm the nervous system and imply a person has things like insight, empathy, morality which require executive function or thinking about thinking (basically more EQ keeping language more simple)
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Heidi Crockett
If a person can better self-regulate, if they have a higher EQ, they probably have a better ability to understand and work with their nervous system including their arousability.
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I published my new episode The Coveted Climax: Female Orgasm, please check it out https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-bn4bj-a9fe41 This episode discusses orgasm and offers many tips
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Heidi Crockett
I will!

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Heidi Crockett
I give lectures at a wellness facility TrueNorthHealth.org and am working on uploading some recordings on teachable later this year 👍
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Yes. EQ makes discussing sexual fantasy's, expectations, and preferences so much easier. Do you find many gender differences in terms of the way you think about neurochemistry?
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
*fantasies
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Heidi Crockett
I spend a lot of time busting myths about sexuality and gender, part of that is related to neurochemistry.
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Please say more

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Heidi Crockett
What I do find in sexuality lectures is that men feel comfortable making sex jokes but I haven't yet had a woman do this in 7+ years of presenting.

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Heidi Crockett
So it is there publically and probably in the bedroom too

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
What's your theory about that?

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Heidi Crockett
Those bad contexts that I pasted earlier for women , 3 M's, let me post more detail, they mess with women's minds and make it more difficult to go to places of joy and pleasure...in bedroom or in public making jokes

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Heidi Crockett
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I've been lecturing and teaching for 25 years and I find that men really appreciate the opportunity to speak openly and frankly about sex. They find it refreshing.
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Heidi Crockett
Of course I'm making big generalizations and most of my presenting has been to more conservative audiences I should add. I think men and women's attitudes are changing with research coming out. It's exciting.
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Here is a white board video I produced admit that very subject http://www.kimberlyresnickanderson.com/

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Oops, I attached the wrong link

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Heidi Crockett
My main hope is that everyone can find joy and pleasure, that they can weed their garden of what they don't want and create new pleasure in a safe way.

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson

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Heidi Crockett
I'll check it out 👍

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I share your hope!

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Heidi Crockett
What's your favorite thing about your career?

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
You are so knowledgeable! I'd love to have you on my podcast to discuss your book!

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Heidi Crockett
Thanks! I talk about this River of Brain Integration as map toward optimal health in my two books

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Heidi Crockett
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Oh, that's a toughie. Probably helping people make peace with their sexual script and communicate with their partner in an honest way about their expectations and preferences
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
How about you? What's your favorite part of your work?

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Heidi Crockett
I loved how you clearly articulated some of the core behaviors that lead to a better relationship and improved sex life. Making peace and honest communication about desire and preferences.

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Heidi Crockett
I say that "I make visible the invisible"

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Heidi Crockett
And I talk about seemingly "invisible" things internal and external that affect us. I love empowering people to heal themselves.

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Sounds like we are pretty like-minded! I say "what's mentionable is manageable!" It had been a pleasure chatting with you. I hope we can connect again soon.

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Heidi Crockett
Yeah, this has been a new experience for me and fun.

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
*has been a pleasure

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Heidi Crockett

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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I'll check it out! And I'm serious about having you on my podcast.
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Heidi Crockett
I would love to chat on your podcast.
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Heidi Crockett
Let's do it! 😊
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
I'll be in touch about it. Have a great weekend!
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Kimberly Resnick Anderson
Signing off...
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Heidi Crockett
You too signing off...
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